Tuesdays are fun days because if there is one day during the week that we go visit Joel at school it is on Tuesdays. Today we went to a really yummy cafe on a corner of the downtown area. They have a Tuesday special where you buy a pasta and get a yummy pizza for free. I love their food, the flavor is always incredible, the wait staff is attentive and the prices are great.
After we dropped Joel off for his two o'clock surgery Lydia and I went to the mall. I like to take her to the mall and tell her that she is in charge. She knows that she can choose any store to go into, look at whatever she wants and leave whenever she wants. I think this little amount of freedom is good for her self esteem. Today she wanted to go into Journeys kids shoe store twice, look at the makeup and shoes in Macy's, then go into Wet Seal. She has incredible taste and I love going window shopping with her.
She calls this "her hand" because we make cut-outs of her hand out of black paper. Have you ever seen a cuter little girl?!I also love to people watch and often wonder what is going on in their lives and all that. Today we saw two women, obviously not related to each other pushing a wheelchair with a young man suffering from what I guessed to be Cerebral Palsy. I looked down to Lydia to see what her reaction would be. She was mildly curious until the boy made some moaning sounds. She asked me why the boy made the sound that he did and tried to imitate it. I told her that some times people had poor health that made their lives hard, but did she notice the women were taking care of him? Lydia then commented how sweet those women were and how much they loved the boy.
Then we had the misfortune due to a large amount of lemonade being consumed by Lydia at lunch to have to *quickly* find a restroom. The closest one was the public restroom of the mall. It was dirty, smelly and most of the stalls were unusable. After we quickly completed our business a cleaning women came in and started groaning and commenting on how gross the bathroom was. As we were leaving I remarked how she had a hard job that day and wished her luck. In my mind I was grateful that I didn't clean toilets (well other people's toilets) for a living. Then we passed a man that had just finished cleaning the male restroom. He was whistling a tune familiar to only himself and smiled as we passed. Maybe the men's restroom was cleaner, but I'm guessing he would have been whistling even if it wasn't.
The rest of the time that we were there I noticed more about people's attitudes, some were happy, some were unhappy. Some smiled back as they passed me, others avoided my smile. Many commented on what a cute shopping companion I had (she was adorable today).
In life I have often felt like control that I had over my situations was minimal. My disease demands attention in all areas of my, and usually chooses situations I am able or unable to be in. There are many choices that I would like to have but do not. Over the last few years I realized that I was deluded in thinking that much of my life is out of my control. Yes, I have no control whatsoever in having children, but I do have the control in then realizing that area of my life is in someone's hand that is far more capable than I am. Yes I have a horrible disease that continues to run rampant and will not respond the way I hoped to treatments, but I get to choose to continue and not give up. Not only that, I get to choose to be happy and realize my blessings. Choice is something that we always have, no matter what our situation. A great example of that is in one of my favorite books: Man's Search for Meaning.
I always thought that by the time I was in my late (sigh) twenties I would have life figured out. I wonder really if anyone ever figures it out. February was a particularly hard month for me, I had a flare-up from my Crohn's because I tried (for the last time *ever*) fertility treatments. I used to have really bad days, that I can really only lay or sit down, several times a week from my Crohn's. I have been blessed in the last year or so to have them very infrequently, like once a month.
Well this past week I had one of those days and Lydia asked me the question that I didn't think I would be asked until she was much older. Mommy, why do you have Crohn's? Since I wasn't expecting this for a while, I hadn't really thought out an answer. I just said the the first words that I thought of, "Heavenly Father loved mommy and knew that I am a good person. But he also knew that I would be a much better person and a better mommy if I had Crohn's" I have thought of this statement frequently since I spoke with Lydia about it. I truly believe it. I also know that without Crohn's, I wouldn't have been able to help as many people through their lives as I have been blessed to.
For me life is about being content, and learning to submit myself to the will of my Heavenly Father. I think I am getting closer to understanding that.
Well, I think this musing is long, and anyone who even read the whole thing deserves a candy bar or something :o) I think I am going to go play with Lydia and then make dinner for my beautiful family.
