I hope no one gets bored or sick with my thoughts and musings, but I find this very therapeutic and hope that I might help someone (if anyone is even reading this!)
Obviously since it took so long for us to have Lydia we wanted to start trying right away to hopefully have another one. I would have loved to have them 10 months apart. But that wasn't Heavenly Father's plan for us. Most of the trials that I have gone through in my life have taught me to trust in Heavenly Father and to align my life with His will and to trust that He has a greater plan for me.
It has been really hard for me to see other people getting pregnant so easily, and to be able to plan how much and how often their family would grow. Not that I am not happy for them or incredibly excited, because I am. Like a lot, I love it when people have babies! I just wish that I would have the same ability. I can't describe the pain that one trying to conceive feels when month after month everything happens the same. Living in two week increments, and counting down the days. The money that it costs to try to help things work out, and the havoc that the medications cause on your already rocky emotions. It is a feeling of deepest pain and sorrow. And for a women you sometimes feel like you are missing your purpose and what you are created for. I just finished my last cycle of Clomid that I will ever take, ever again. Because it doesn't help, it doesn't do anything to up my chances. After seeing multiple doctors regarding this, they don't know what is wrong.
Since May when I had my last miscarriage I have been thinking a lot. I do not know why I am not able to have children, but I feel at peace with it. I have the blessing to be married to one of the noblest man on Earth. I am blessed to be the mother to an angel. A sweet little girl who calls me her best friend. As much as I want a sibling for her, I know that Heavenly Father knew that she would be our only one for a while. And so I have faith that she will be okay. I am also loving and cherishing the time that I have with her one-on-one. Our relationship is growing and I know that we will always be close. A gift that I would not have if I had another child at this point. My health has NEVER been this good, and I know that is a blessing from a loving Heavenly Father. I have faith to know, and truly know this time around that my life is in His hands. I am too blessed in the other areas of my life to feel like I am being ignored or neglected. As if our loving Heavenly Father would EVER neglect any of us. Everything that we have is because he has blessed us, and he loves and wants to bless us.
For some reason, this is not my time. Heavenly Father has different plans for our lives, plans that I am excited to carry out. I do not know what he has planned for us, but I do know that He is a loving Heavenly Father. Who loves me. In the Doctrine and Covenants 122 Heavenly Father told Joseph:
Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
I love the scriptures for the peace and assurance that they bring. I have never been asked to withstand the horrible hardships that the early saints had to endure. My life is a blessed and wonderful life, that most people would give anything to live. And I acknowledge that, and am eternally grateful for it. As I said before, whatever happens in my life, I am grateful for it. Truly and eternally grateful.
I love the scriptures for the peace and assurance that they bring. I have never been asked to withstand the horrible hardships that the early saints had to endure. My life is a blessed and wonderful life, that most people would give anything to live. And I acknowledge that, and am eternally grateful for it. As I said before, whatever happens in my life, I am grateful for it. Truly and eternally grateful.
7 comments:
When I think about only having one baby, I think of Hannah (from the Bible). She prayed and prayed to have just one and God gave her that dearest wish of her heart. And then she gave him to God. And she was ok with it. With only having one and not even being able to experience everything in that child's life - she was ok. For some reason that helps me be ok with it. (And then knowing that James was an only child and he came out pretty much ok)
I know how you feel, and knowing that makes me sorrow for you too. But isn't it wonderful that in the eternities we will have so many children, and we will get to watch them grow and learn!
Bonnie you're such an example to me. When I read your posts about how you and Lydia play together and have a special relationship, I want that with my daughter. When I was around you, you and Lydia have such a special bond, you guys were meant to be together. You and Joel are in our prayers.
Gisele
I am so sorry Bonnie. I had no idea that you were on Clomid or that you have miscarried. You are such a strong person and I am glad you are actually happy with what you DO have even though you would love to have more. It's a viscous cycle really, we always want more than what we have whether it be kids, money, friends, love. We are all guilty of this. We should be so happy of the blessings we have. And I know you really are! I am so glad you have Lydia. If you are suppose to only have one child, geez you scored with the one you have. She's truly beautiful. Good luck and I remember you guys finally relaxing a little right before you got pregnant with Lydia so just try to relax and I honestly believe you will have another little baby! We love you.
Thank you girls for your sweet comments. Heidi, I love the story of Hannah, and there are many more stories of women that want to have children and couldn't, or had to wait for a long time. I am very grateful that I was able to have Lydia and not have to wait until I was old! I also always knew that having children would be difficult and grew up loving the idea of adopting! Gisele, you are so sweet, your children :o), have such a great mom and you do have a wonderful bond with Olivia!
Thank you Jamie, you always have the sweetest advice for me. I love how you said that everyone always wants more than they have, I agree and I think when we finally realize what we have, then the true gratitude comes and we don't want more anymore because we are finally able to be content with what we have.
Hey Bonnie! I love reading your blog. I love the new pictures of Lydie and I am glad Jesse is in one! We miss you guys. I KNOW you will have the most exciting news to tell me one day. And these comments are right...Lydia is a very special and lucky girl.
Bonnie, you are the best!, Your heart is good, Stay strong, it is people like you that make me realize I had better be good!
We love you guys!, Lucy
Bonnie, you are such an inspiration to both Sommer and myself. Even with our fertility issues I still have no idea how you do the things you do. We love you guys so much! Thank you for being such an amazing example to us! We will continue to keep you in our prayers:)
-your cousin
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