Most particularly I have been thinking about the time just after I had my stroke. I was well accustomed to being a hospital guest- always before it was with the hope that I would leave the hospital with more health then I had before admittance. Joel was my constant support and was always by my side despite the demanding schedule he had preparing to get into Medical School, and with his Tissue procurement job. I wish everyone had such a supportive spouse in their life as I do.
As they were rushing my to the hospital in the ambulance I had the knowledge that it was very possible that I was on my way out from this life. I could not see, I was disoriented in mind and body function, my left side was completely paralyzed. At the hospital I was diagnosed with a "migraine" thus missing the very significant window after a stroke that treatment should be administered. While I was receiving an CAT-scan/ or MRI, or whatever tests they submitted me for I could not see and had to trust that whomever was talking to me had my best interest in mind. Words that were spoken would float past my brain with no meaning, it was hard for me to grasp what was going on.
I was not afraid to die. My knowledge of Jesus Christ and his plan provide a firm knowledge of what happens after our lives are over.
The only words that I remember were those from my constant prayer, "Please, let me have more time. I am not ready to go. I love Joel so much and haven't had enough time with him. I haven't had the chance to be a mom yet. Please let me have more time. Please let me have more time with Joel" Over and over, the same words.
I was transfered to the University of Utah hospital when they found they yes, it was indeed a stroke and not a migraine. Lying in my bed, with my parents and Joel surrounding my bed I was so grateful that I was alive. It was my first experience of feeling the strength of people's prayers for me. I felt wave after wave of peace. I knew that it came from all the prayers people were saying in my behalf.
For a couple weeks after the stroke I was completely disoriented. I had no idea where I was. It terrified me. I would be driving with Joel on our street, and I felt lost. We would pull up to our house and it would seem to pop up out of nowhere. Life took on a difficult future.
Up to that point I was our main financial backer. I was worried that Joel would have to give up his dream of being a doctor. I didn't think I would ever be able to drive anywhere again. I had to face the reality that chores would have to be done partially blind, and if we were blessed with a child- I would be a different mom that I had ever planned.
My vision came back- but it was fuzzy. I couldn't see enough to get around or do things for myself. I would try to read and the words would float away. I couldn't get anything to come into focus long enough to figure out what the letters were let alone what word they made up. I spent HOURS reading simple chapter books to get my vision back. It was very tedious and arduous. Outside of the page I saw flashing lights that were very distracting. I would get horrendous headaches from my efforts, but it seemed to make an improvement.
I read several books before even the meaning of what I was reading sank in. I was merely retraining my eyes and brain to work together.
I was no longer paralyzed, but walking was difficult- in fact it would be a couple months before I could walk well without stumbling. Jesse was just a puppy at this time and we would go to a park close to our house and spend hours going around the track. I would try to run and fall down. My side vision was still mostly gone and it was hard to see anything that wasn't directly in front of me. I didn't give up though. We walked and we walked, and walked.... He was the perfect therapy dog. He would lean into me when I stumbled, lick my hand when I was discouraged. Pull me along when I felt like stopping. Lay on my lap when I was crying.
It was hard, hard work and I didn't know if I would ever be the same person that I was before.
There is a lot more to this story- but I will have to finish it later. We are on our way to the park!
1 comment:
I remember this time and the prayers we all had for you. I miss you and think of you often.
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