Sometimes it's hard

Every once in a while, things get hard.  Today I am 6 days post op, dealing with the pain from the surgery still.  On top of that I am dealing with withdrawal from Loratab.  Keep in mind that I took the loratab as prescribed.  I was supposed to take it every 4 hours, and did for the first couple days, then I only took it a couple times a day.  Yes, I have this incredible body that I am so grateful for.  There are a few things however that I would love to 'trade up' for.  If I take any sort of heavy duty pain killers, which is NECESSARY when you have surgery,  I always have to go through the withdrawal symptoms.  I stopped taking the medicine yesterday morning because I knew I needed to get off of it as soon as I could.  Last night I was up with the most horrible muscle spasms, it felt like my blood was boiling in my body, I felt like I was stuck in my body and floating up above it at the same time.  I didn't get any sleep.  I kept getting chills and sweats.  It took all that I had to just focus on breathing in and breathing out.  My narrowing was really bothering me.  I kept having food back up behind it and form a bubble BIGGER THAN MY FIST before it would whoosh through the intestines.  If that doesn't sound like it hurts, believe me, it does!

This morning wasn't much better, I feel like I am shaking like crazy and can't focus on anything.  My sweet neighbor Toty has Lydia for the day so I am just focusing on getting through this.  I called her and she could tell in my voice that I wasn't feeling well and she came over in less than 5 minutes.  Lydia had just gotten out of the shower and she helped me get her dressed and took her, just like that.  I am so so so grateful for her.

I knew that I would have these withdrawals and took the pain med as little as possible.  I am still in a lot of pain- but just have to deal with it.  I took Lydia to story time at the library yesterday.  BIG MISTAKE.  I was so lightheaded from the pain, or blood loss, or lack of nourishment (who knew that nourishment was spelled that way?) that I almost PASSED OUT.  For reals.

Then on top of all of this, I have to go through it again.  This was just a small scale dress rehearsal.  And if I'm lucky, I will be better by the time that Joel walks to receive his Medical Degree.


Sometimes life is just hard.


Sometimes it's hard that I would like to have more children, and can't.  Sometimes it's hard that I have been dealing, struggling and suffering through this disease for 18 years.  Sometimes it's hard that we are so poor because Joel is in Medical School.  Sometimes it's hard to see my family suffer with their own medical troubles.

Sometimes I look at others moms who seem to have such carefree lives.  They don't have to deal with the struggles of a disease.  They are able to stress about where to go on vacation next, or where should we all go out to lunch today, or even with the fact that being behind on laundry is the biggest stress they have that day.  I am not naive enough to realize that some people don't have any struggles.  I have learned that everyone has struggles and pains that they are dealing with.  It is true though that some people suffer more than others.  

When I get down, it takes all of 1 minute to realize how blessed I am.
I remember stories like the one below (it is pretty graphic) and feel immediately stupid and ungrateful. This is life for so many people.  So many moms are wondering what on earth they will feed their children.  So many people die before they get to realize any joy in life.  Countries are ravaged by war.  Children are abused in their homes.  Women are abused by their partners.  People and children are dying from horrible diseases.  People are suffering from simple medical troubles, only because they do not have access to medical care.  
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-08-23-Congo-rape_N.htm


At least I get to 'suffer' in a comfortable home.  At least I have a miracle daughter, whom I love more than anything.  I have a husband who after cleaning up our home until 1 in the morning, massaged my legs and back until 3 in the morning because of my muscle spasms.  I have a husband that has enough drive and motivation to go to medical school.  I have a disease, that while very unglamorous, teaches me patience and love.  I have empathy for people.  I understand suffering, and desire to ease it for others.  Instead of getting bitter for these hard things, I find peace in knowing that I am loved.  By my family, friends and God.
I am grateful for every single day of life that I get to live.

Yes, Life is hard.  Harder than I would have liked.  But I am grateful for it.  

And I love it.  

Seriously, I really do.